Let’s Talk love, dating, and relationships. Are you in a healthy one? Would you know how to spot when its not?
Ok so this is not an easy conversation with most people, but I am diving into things that could come along with dating. This has taken me sometime as this is a personal thing to me that I feel passionate about and feel we need to educate females about this including if you have children.
I will start that I cannot share my case exactly as I still have a minor child, but I will share what I have seen and experienced.
Have any of you seen the new TV series Dirty John? Or the podcast about this case? This has inspired me to share this publically amongst other things. I am by no means saying I am expert or licensed psychologist but have seen so many things and have researched and contuie to understand this on a daily basis. You may think this would never happen to me but, so did I amongst many other smart women as well. I have seen doctors, teachers, psychologist, and all other professional’s, educated too fall victim to this. Let me introduce you to the word Narcissist and maybe you want to know what that means and this the definition from the dictionary “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. “narcissists who think the world revolves around them”
That’s the dictionary version and its pretty broad, here are the symptoms according to the mayo clinic:
Symptoms
Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:
- Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
- Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerate achievements and talents
- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
- Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
- Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
- Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
- Take advantage of others to get what they want
- Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
- Be envious of others and believe others envy them
- Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
- Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
- Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment
- Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
- React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
- Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
- Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
- Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation
Now that you have a little background let me tell you when this kind of romantic relationships begin romantically it might feel like this is the best thing ever and you have never experienced this before because you probably had not. You know the saying it’s too good to be true, well this applies to this kind of relationship. In the beginning it can feel amazing and all the things this what we call the Love Bombing stage and according to Psychology Today, “Love bombing is the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction — think flattering comments, tokens of affection, or love notes on the mirror, kitchen table, or windshield, and you’re beginning to get the picture. Its flowers delivered at work with hearts dotting the i’s in your name. It’s texts that increase in frequency as they increase in romantic fervor. It’s surprise appearances designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber — and, not coincidentally, less time with others, or on your own.”
I like to call this the stage where they reel you in and really start the abusive cycle. The Narcissists do this to build themselves up as the perfect partner to hide what is really going on. They do this to avoid the uncovering of their skills as they know once the its out of the bag the relationship will most likely end. They have to WIN at all cost. This to them is a game.
I run a single moms group and there is a lot who were in these types of relationships and I can tell you this add having a child with one is downright scary. I write this not to scare you but to educate the world. I to fell victim to this type of relationship and it was horrible. I remember when I went to a couple different therapist thinking I could fix this. There is no fixing this, there is no pill you can take to make it go away. I remember the time the first therapist said to me, you are in a relationship with a Narcissist. I was like what? What can I do to fix it? I was determined I could change him. I was wrong, and I have to say that I picked up this book called “One Moms Battle” by Tina Swithin I finally was able to understand what I had lived.
There are things I learned that should have been those RED FLAGS, they were practically in my face but because the narcissist is so good at manipulating you, I too rationale it in my head like many others do. I will tell you this, you can escape this! I did, and it was the best day of my life. Was it easy? NO, it was not but worth it. After this type of relationship ends you are the one left to pick up all the brokenness and believe me when I say there is a lot. I was lucky to have a really good support system to help me find myself again and move forward. I also had a baby who needed me to protect her. If I could give someone one piece of advice if you are experiencing this type of relationship would be, know that it’s not going to be easy and it might be downright scary but so worth it. There is an article I loved from the Divorced Mom’s blog called “Here are 50 Things to Expect When in a Relationship with a Narcissist”
You might ask, isn’t this considered Domestic Violence. My answer is yes and sometimes this is a real reality of this and always emotional abuse. You may find yourself not even knowing the person you use to be. I find this as another very real thing. I do want to say this if you are in a Domestic Violence relationship, please reach out there is help out there and something can be done. Violence is never OKAY. When I say never I mean NEVER!
I can tell you this I continue to meet women from all over who were in a relationship with a narcissist and I feel like this something that should be taught how to know the warning signs and how to spot those red flags. Those Red Flags are always there, I promise that.
I hope this did not scare you but educated you and or if you’re in this type of relationship gave you hope to get out. Please feel free to reach out to me as I am always here to help. I am passionate about this because I lived this type of relationship and there is a need for people to understand this. I have seen so much devastation from this type of relationship. I have seen people loose there children, I have seen women loose there life and much more. I am hoping to next share what its like to go into the family court system because thats another element to this that needs to be spoken about. I happy to tell you that I did escape this and life is great. Yes there is hard times but I would not trade it for anything. This experience opened the door to so many wonderful people that are in my life and for that I am forever grateful. If you know someone or you yourself going through this please get help because I promise you deserve to be happy! I am a Warrior Mom!
Xoxo
Warrior Mom
